Monday, November 11, 2013

Starting over

Once you start a working on something, don't be afraid of failure and don't abandon it. People who work sincerely are the happiest. 
-- Chanakya 

It feels weird to be here. Again.

A few years ago I was the one motivating people. I had motivation coming out of my ears. I had lost 75lbs, was running half marathons and training for a marathon...and I was on top of the world. And I looked like this...
April 6th 2008 -- Race for the Roses

And for whatever reason, here I am again. Ready to lose weight. This time? My motivation has gone missing. So...without motivation I'm here to start over.

My schedule is tight. I look at it and feel dizzy. I'm in a leadership position with a small nonprofit which basically means I do almost everything from cleaning the floors to talking on stage in front of thousands of people. It is great (really!) but stressful and my schedule leaves time for little else and with a family and down time?

But I find lately that I'm struggling to sleep. I can't put my mind or my body at rest enough to stay asleep for more than a couple of hours. I feel fat and awful and always greasy.

Something has to change.

My friends urge me to find time and make yourself a priority. While that is all really sweet and makes sense...the problem is that I really have no idea how to. As I mentioned above, my schedule is tight. I work in a semi-public job where I have tons of meetings to schedule around and have to be dressed up and look like this a good portion of the the time:
I will be completely honest, it is really fun to get dressed up and look pretty and powerful but it takes time and effort (and shape wear). When I just spent 2 hours perfecting my hair and makeup, the last thing I want to do is drop everything to take a lunchtime spin class to get sweaty and ruin it all.

I thought running at night after all of my chores at home were finished and the Peach (my daughter) was in bed or at least on her way to bed would be the perfect outlet. And for a few days (a couple of weeks, even) that was the perfect solution. It wasn't especially fun to move my 280lb body down the road in the dark but it was better than nothing. It gave me a chance to clear my mind and get some exercise...however, as soon as the cold weather kicked in, so did exercise induced asthma.

Right now? I feel so absolutely lost.

What I feel like I need is a plan...

Let's start simple...

* A blog. This. You're looking at it. I've had this blog sitting around for years now. I will update here in an effort to keep me honest. I like the name. I promise to post at least on the days when I workout.

* An eating plan. Tomorrow I'm going to write out an eating plan. It isn't perfect and will probably include some kind of meal replacement shakes because my life just doesn't lend itself well to packing lunches (I'm in and out of the office too much!) and I've found that having simple bars and shakes while I'm working helps (even if I don't like admitting it). It will also include lots of crockpot meals because they are easy!

* Fitness goals. It worked before and I'm determined to make it happen again. I so miss running and working towards a big goal. I figure, why not set my sights high? So right here, right now I'm committing to two big races. One is a half marathon in April and the other is a full marathon in October. Long distance running doesn't often lend itself kindly to weight loss. Even though I ultimately would LOVE to lose weight (okay, that is a big part of my frustration), I'm going to go out on a limb an say that the most important thing to me right now is just getting healthier and feeling better. Running usually has a way of making me feel better about myself no matter what my weight is so I'll stick with that.

* "Make time for yourself." It sounds so simple but this is the biggest one. My goal here is four times per week. It might not sound like much but for now it is going to be to get out and do something active by myself four times per week. It can be squeezed in between meetings (if I feel like going sweaty), in the mornings, after bedtime...whatever. Four times.